Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
