Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
