i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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