if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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