I haven't been this sober since birth.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
