I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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