i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
my shit smells like andre
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Im part way to drunk.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
