Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
