HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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