My sheets look like a crime scene.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
