one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize
