My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
