Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
