I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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