why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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