you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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