The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
