Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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