i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Ladies don't puke and tell
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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