if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
