its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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