Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
