we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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