I wish I could punch you in the face.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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