look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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