New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
