I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
