Who wears a wallet chain?!
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Randomize