There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
