I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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