you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
