i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
its liver damage thursday
Randomize