My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
