Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize