Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
