Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
