but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
