He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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