When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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