my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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