I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
