Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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