I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize