I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
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