Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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