i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i may or may not be watching the land before time
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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