Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
my being single is dangerous.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
