thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
