My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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