Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
