I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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