I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
