God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I have post one night stand depression
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
