I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
