Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
