dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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