So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
