I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
