so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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