first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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