Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
