dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
