Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
