Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
