I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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