were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
